not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
