she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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