The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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