I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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