I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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