so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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