On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
