hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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