we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
