someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
