I wish my penis had an off switch
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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