my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Did I show you my penis last night?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
