If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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