she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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