Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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