Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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