i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I need moral support for this bender
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
