so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
