the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
