I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
