The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
