my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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