WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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