I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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