I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
