I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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