I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
