I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
