I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
