That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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