he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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