Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
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Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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