After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
