just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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