yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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