I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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