There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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