I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
