rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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