After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
