so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
