I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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