Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
