You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
