found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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