no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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