he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
