I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
