the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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