I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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