My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
