I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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