we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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