in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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