this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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