Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
