As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
